I feel compelled today to offer more about my journey to and through Tantra, and what has come to lie at the heart of a tantric approach to life for me.
For me tantra is a deeper and more comprehensive spiritual practice than sometimes understood, and offers a powerful opportunity or pathway for this moment of consciousness that we find ourselves in.
As a child growing up I experienced periods of violent sexual and physical abuse. One of these episodes resulted in a Near Death Experience and spontaneous physical healing experience which has had a profound spiritual impact on my life.
Eventually I came to an age in my childhood where I began to repress from my conscious mind all the things that had happened and were happening to me, as all the trauma became too much to hold onto and function in the world at the same time.
As a I grew through my teens and twenties, and carried my unconscious pain into dysfunctional relationships with men, I unconsciously blamed myself for the pain that was being reflected back to me.
Maybe I wasn't worthy of loving, stable, intimate relationships with men in which I felt connected and free. Maybe my sexuality was too much, or not enough, or I was too fragile, too strong, or too flawed. I wasn't quite sure what was wrong with me or why I felt different to everyone else who seemed to value themselves and find loving partners, but I knew it was something.
I muddled through as best I could, enjoying the good moments, and deeply feeling the pain of the not-so-good, but with no clear sense of direction or idea of how I could find my centre and act from that place.
I went to uni and studied psychology, did my honours degree in philosophy of mind, tried to figure out how we work, how consciousness works, and why we feel pain, or disempowerment to heal our lives as humans. Where pain comes from for us. I spent countless hours in the library reading for many years, searching for an answer.
But I didn't really know what I was looking for, and I was still so consciously disconnected from my body, and from what I had experienced and repressed in my childhood.
The answers to unlock this puzzle I was caught in the middle of did not lie at university for me. In fact they weren’t in my mind at all.
As I slowly turned towards spiritual healing in my late twenties (my Saturn return for those playing at home) all the memories and repressed experiences and emotions from my childhood came flooding back into my conscious mind.
I went into crisis.
I was in what looked like a psychosis from the outside- but was actually a healing crisis- for about 5.5 months as I reintegrated all of my childhood experiences, pain, and spiritual insight into my conscious adult experience.
I navigated this crisis as a healing illness, a chance to rebuild my chrysalis and emerge anew, transformed without meds or conventional care.
As I emerged out of my crisis and found myself standing in a new, more spiritual, world, I still didn’t quite know what my path forward might be.
Yes, I had faced what happened to me in my childhood and survived, with my sanity intact, yes I was forever more free to be who I truly was from that point on, yes I had had huge spiritual insights which greatly enriched my life, but what was my path, what was the way forward, what was I actually here to be or do?
As I looked around me, I saw many spiritual paths and options - may ways of being and experiencing in the world, but I was yet to find my anchor- my own souls yearning and true depth in action in the world.
Nothing I saw truly resonated with me- and said ‘yes - this is your souls authenticity reflected back to you in manifest form- this is what you came here to transmit- this is what is already in you to be’.
When I soon after met my partner Simon he introduced me to a modality that he had created -Unconditional Love Healing- the modality that we now teach and work in together. This was the modality that showed a way back into my body- into my emotions, into the patterns and pain that was held throughout my body, and into the authentic healing and presence that my body and consciousness was calling for.
From this place, when I was ready, I found Tantra.
And it was through Tantra that I realised I am here to be human. Fully human.
That for me my greatest joy lives in my body. In having loving, open-hearted relationships with other humans. In the peacefulness of twilight, and the open sky. In roadtrips, and yummy meals, in loving deep transformative sex and joyful plunges into the ocean.
In welcoming and feeling my rage, my hate, my sadness and unworthiness, in revelling in my joy, my satisfaction, my juicy fierceness. In being all that I am with no exceptions, and even welcoming the exceptions when they chose to arise.
I realised that this is the spiritual path for me. Home, here, as a human.
And increasingly I’ve found that this is where my power lives too.
In being human in my relationship with my partner and healing all the patterns that had hurt me throughout my teens and twenties.
In my relationship with my own sexuality and forgiving it for the pain it had caused me, in falling in love with my body again and supporting my capacity for ecstasy and expression. In friendships, and in-between moments- feeling safe and settled in the cadences of everyday life again, feeling peaceful.
I have realised that on my path, all the way from being a child I had yearned to be fully present in this moment, just as it is. That my deepest longings have always been for peace, loving relationships, a family, tea on the porch, and good friendships. I never really wanted to be a ‘spiritual powerhouse’ or a shaman, I want to be an unbelievably powerful human, native to who I am, and helpful to others around me because of my honesty of being.
I want to feel the cells resonate with energy in my body, feel my toes in the squishy mud, and be honest when I’m feeling shame.
I don't feel that my power is to ‘do’ anything actually, rather my power is who I am. It’s literally the energy that I exist as.
And it is through tantra that I have uncovered my deeply powerful felt inner calling to let sexual energy connect me to higher consciousness, as my central channels open and spirit travels through me from the ground up, into the many realms.
As I receive information, vision, sensation, clarity and perspective needed through the surrender of myself to the divine that I am through orgasmic bliss, and let that energy speak through me into physical reality in whatever way it naturally does.
As blocks and stuck emotions in my body release and are thrown forth by the power of my love and connection to the divine that is me.
This expression of the gift that I am does not require of me to do anything- it’s springs from the very beingness of myself- of all the levels of myself, and it is blissfully effortless, though magnificently powerful, shot through with love.
I am not personally called to travel to the divine and bring back messages, I am the divine - not because I am special or different to others, but because I am human and my journey of great pain has opened up the channels in my body ready for great ecstasy and transmission.
For me sexuality is the path. And joy is the medicine. And life is the container.
And tantra is the practice.
And as I have turned towards tantra and the answers that lie in myself before the questions are asked, I have found that I was never far away from the very thing I was searching for.
It’s just that it was hidden inside me, and love and acceptance was the key that turned the lock to what I am. To my freedom, peace, joy, and ecstacy. To the knowing and experiencing that I am home itself.
And it is here that I see the relevance of the deep tantra path for this moment in consciousness and those of us who are experiencing it.
I honestly don't know any humans who aren't in a similar boat to the one I’m in. There has been so much pain at this time that we chose to live through. If you are reading this think of what you have lived through. It may not sound dramatic, or it might, but you know what it’s been like.
In my experience and what I have been guided to in my connection with other beings in my spiritual travels, many of us have come at this time to be the transmitters of the great ecstasy that comes from transforming great pain.
Much like my own journey, our journey is closer to its joyous completion than many of us realise, it is a just a question now of turning towards what we have already done, already lived through, already suffered through, and starting to let the burs and bristles release so that the ecstasy and divinity has room to move. Turning towards our bodies and consciousness with all-inclusive love and accepting awareness.
The time for the great u-turn of human suffering is upon us. It’s already happening. We do not need to be ‘stronger’, become more than we are, or go in search of special gifts that will make us better. We need to realise what we have done as humans. Already. What a lot of us have just lived through.
And the gold that it has accumulated in our bodies, the huge pulsing chunks of it, the long shining streams, held in at times by mud and pain, but waiting to be known and enjoyed, singing our names and the enoughness that we are.
If you also hear the call to this form of authentic human, to heal in relationship, gentle noon time tea, quiet silences, bright ecstasy, and whatever else arises in the moment, if you feel your power point in the centre of life, just like this, then you might also be closer to home than you think.
If sexuality calls to you, your body calls to you, as a vessel of the divine and a way to explore consciousness through the powerful love that you are, for the good of yourself and all others, then I hear you also.
For me tantra is the path of ease, a path of great spiritual depths, that has risen to meet us in this moment, singing songs of enoughness, of power unveiled if we stop and look at what we are, and take the time, through practice, to meet it.
A path of joy. Of already home.
Do not believe that the path home has to be hard, unless you want to.
All you have to be now is human, and you will realise your immense power.
Cup of tea?